What’s on my mind

I remember a few years ago, my wife and I were talking with my best friends wife. She was going on about how all his work and effort, it just wasn’t enough. She wanted moar. He was the only provider at the time, she refused to work. This bothered my wife to hear her shit on him so blatantly. He worked long hours, doing physical work, busting his ass to provide, and it wasn’t enough. He was drowning trying to carry the load by himself, and she rode his back, and hated him  for it.

Fast forward to today. My wifes son is gay.  He’s also a classic  narcissist, ungrateful petulant teenager, who happens to be 22 years old. He has yet to work a 40  hour week. I spent many years working far more than 40. To provide for them. My family, functionally dysfunctional.

In December 2004, our first child together was born. This is about the time her son came out. Awkward for me, being a traditional man. I worked through it best I could. I’m by no means perfect, but I try. This began a shift in our home. Slowly but inexorably, I became the outsider, the enemy. I hated gay people after all. (that was sarcasm, for those of you who were ready to foam at the mouth) It was best if I just went and did my night shifts, and stayed out of matters in the house. Since this was completely out of my skillset, I didn’t put up much of a fight, burying myself in my job instead.

My  stepsons senior year, he was 18 already, and asked if he could drop out since he was an adult. I said he was old enough to make that call himself. I thought he was moving out. I had no idea he would be our basement troll almost 5 years later.

In those years, he’s been manipulative, getting mommy involved any time we don’t see eye to eye. He’s been disrespectful, unappreciative, and unapologetic.

Any time his actions are questioned, it’s an automatic vaudeville performance, and it becomes how the world hates him because he’s gay. While I’ll never be comfortable with that, I would give my left nut if that were his only issue. Truth is, it’s a get-out-of-jail-free card so he doesn’t have to address his less vapid issues.

He’s an asshole when he doesn’t get his way, when simple expectations are placed on him when  people expect him to take on some level of responsibility, such as fixing a toilet he left running, or taking the trash out. Fucker flies off the handle.  In  all these years, he’s pissed me off enough to cal him a fagot exactly twice. Knowing what all I’ve put up with from him in that time, I’m proud of that. (It’s just an adjective anyways, own it or change it, don’t cry when someone points it out)

After his episode today, this bridge isn’t burning, it’s burnt.

Which brings me to my quandry. I can’t live with this fucker anymore. He’s a grown ass man who refused to grow up. But I  now have 3 little kids with his mother, who I still love despite her role in all this. Does it turn into a custody battle? Do I just waive rights and leave her to it? Do I just beat the shit out of him? Is the solution to my catch-22 something less civilized?

Mommy will never cut the apron strings, of that I’m sure. Not even when he’s a blatant threat to our  children. Something in her mind won’t allow her to see him for what he is. He is a reincarnation of Eric & Lyle Menendez. I don’t think he would  premeditate, but he is prone to losing all sense of restraint, and his sense of entitlement is profound. He certainly has no use for anything from me but my money. Which I have precious  little of anymore.

Which brings me back to the original story. I lost my job because in my effort to provide for my family, I put in between 60-80 hours a week. No shit. That DOES things to you. Especially when you find out that voluntary  overtime went to pay for credit cards for the ungrateful  little shit sitting cozy in your house talking shit about you. Who refused to work even when mommy handed him a fucking job. All he had to do was  show up. On top of the cards, there were  payday loans, an advance from work, just shitloads of retarded mismanagement of money (not the least of which was eating out 3 or 4 days a week (sometimes 2 meals a day) on average. While I brown-bagged dinner at work.

Now he’s a part-timer at walmart. Pays a whopping $250 a month for rent. He thinks that makes him a shot caller.

Man I can’t live like this. But I  swore I’d never put my kids through divorce. Ain’t their fault this shit is going down.

Thee is no right choice for me. She won’t do what’s right, so I have ZERO good options. I’m drowning, and she hates me for it.
Try running out of sensible options. It’s a mind-fuck. I understand things I wish I didn’t, and don’t understand things I wish I did. It almost came to violence tonight, and I almost wish it had. Right or wrong, it would have brought some twisted ass closure to the gaping fucking hole in my soul. This situation has changed me over the years. I’m no longer the fun smartass I used to be. I’m downright anti-social. I take joy in nothing but my children anymore. This situation is a steady poison that leaches at my sense of self. I don’t hate him yet, but I hate what this has done to me, which is close. I poured my soul into trying to raise this prick as my own, and he’s done nothing but shit on me for it.

When he decided to come out, I was 1500 miles away, with my wife, watching my mother rot away in a hospice bed. I had been watching it for weeks, and we had decided to get away to clear our heads in Yosemite for the weekend. The night we showed up is when he decided to break the news. Worst time of my entire life he could have chosen to announce this. So on top of watching my mother die slowly, I got to deal with my failure as a parent. I struggled with walking away over that, but I rededicated myself to my family. They did not rededicate to me. But I had a little money, so they faked it.

I took my money, and got into a rent to own house (my credit was shot from living off plastic while my mom died) that my wife wanted. This was the opening display of my rededication to my family. We were gonna do this, plain and simple. Well, the people took our money, but didn’t pay the mortgage. When we were ready to buy, we couldn’t get a buy-off, and the owner was playing games about the paperwork. Then we get a knock on the door, and a sheriff hands us a notice of lien sale 2 weeks away. We got screwed. $10 grand down, and $800/month just pissed away.And 3 new babies to care for.  And me new on my job.

So we grabbed a new house, trying to make ANOTHER fresh start. This is where shit got bad, because I finally got a day shift. I was around to question things, wondering where all my overtime went. But I was too tired to fight about it. This is when my 20 year old step-son decided he was comfortable talking shit to me in my house, on my couch, wearing clothes I bought for him. And when he scammed a naive young girl into opening a cell phone account for his loser boyfriend. I came unglued. First time I called him a fagot.

So he kicked some holes in the wall he never repaired, stomped off and lived out of a car with his boyfriend for a while. Until the weather turned. His mother hated me for calling her baby on his bullshit. She looked at him as a victim of me. He was a victim of himself. No more, no less. But I let him back in., because while he needed to take responsibility for himself, he was in NO position to do so, and had burned bridges with most of his friends.

But again, I was an asshole when I expected him to mow the lawn BEFORE it was knee-high, and take out the trash BEFORE it was spilling all over the floor. And he would play the Mommy Card, and we would argue, and all was well in Babys world. The overtime finally got to me, and I told my boss what I thought of him. Not a good idea. But when you turn $15 an hour into $50k take home, your brains a little too fried to always come up with good ideas.

He’d finally had enough, and roomed up with a childhood friend. This didn’t last long, Baby isn’t easy to live with, and niether was his friend. I don’t think that friendship will ever be repaired. Back to Mommy we go.

By this time, SIL has lost her house and moves in with us. Myself, my wife, our 3 kids, andMIL,  SIL, and her 3 kids. All in a 1100 square foot 3 bedroom house. Not enough room, and I’m kinda a dick at this point. They decide to move. Wife tells me we can’t afford to stay without them, as my unemployment extension is inexplicably delayed. So we get a new place, big enough for all of us to live, if still a bit cramped. Baby takes the basement. House isn’t in my name, so what do I care? I plan on moving ASAP anyways. Come to find out, it wasn’t us who didn’t have enough money, but my SIL who didn’t have enough money. We paid to get them in here. My wife lied to me to get me to agree. My unemployment had kicked back in, but everyone was playing nice together, so I looked at it as an opportunity to try and find something that would pay the bills before we moved.

Then my extension ran out. And people got real. Baby and his tantrums (at various people, not just me), SIL and her constant losing of money at the casino, with retarded bullshit excuses in place of her share of the bills. So nobody is hiring me, and I’m in the purgatory I dreaded from Day 1. My wife hates her job, hates me, and has zero patience for our kids. And Baby gotta play his Emo games and run his fuckin mouth about fixing the toilet he left running while I cook his ungrateful ass dinner.Called me a dick for expecting him to fix his mistake, and avoid jacking up our $400 water bill. 2nd time I’ve called him a fagot. Also shoved his punk ass outta my face.  Since mommy was there, he tried to act bad. Since the kids were right outside, I let it go.

I got no place for this shit in my life. I will not have it around my kids. In 40 years, he’s the one man whose disrespected me like that and not had his fuckin face busted. And I’m utterly out of reasons why that should stand. He needs it, he deserves it, there are people who would PPV to watch it, yet I didn’t do it. His sibling are the only reason he’s not a bloody wreck right now. As usual, Mommy took Babys side. It’s never a problem until someone reacts to his bullshit. Until then, it’s just Baby being Baby.(He’s gay after all, so he’s expected to be a little “differnt”, or some such bullshit (whatever stops the tears)) Unless he actually annoys her. THAT’S differnt. SHE can call him a snotty ungrateful little shit, and tell him how she’s gonna beat his ass.

America, I’m at a precipice. Things gotta change, or I’m gonna fuck this fella up. He relies entirely too much on the self-discipline of others. My children are the only thing saving his ass. He is good with them on the rare occasion he wants their attention. They love him. But that doesn’t solve my dilema. Not by a damn sight. How do I make lemonade out of these lemons? How do I remove the cancer without killing the host? There is no getting away from him without destroying my family. Lovely urban decay exemplified.

So for real, what would you do? Suck off a shotgun? Like I said, I understand things I wish I didn’t. And I don’t understand things I wish I did. Like how my wife can keep blowing off his erratic and aggressive behavior, and blaming everyone who runs outta patience with him. He’s never had his ass beat. Might have a better perspective if he had.

Now, there’s plenty I haven’t covered,and I’m no angel, but this is what’s on MY mind.


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